


Back to Life

by thingyoudowiththatthing



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cheating, Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, F/M, domestic rape, none of it graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-27 06:50:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16697497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing
Summary: A story about moving on and how we someone need someone to hold onto as we heal





	Back to Life

We grow up to associate love with what we learn it to be as kids. What we are taught is not always the truth, but even as adults, that can be hard to see. Even when I hit rock bottom I had trouble seeing the truth for what it was.

My parents were dead by then. Henry was all I had, and truth be told, that wasn’t much. I didn’t see that then, even at the very end he had been my world. I told myself that everytime he hit me it was because I deserved it. It was to help me be better, just like my parents had everytime the belt or cane had come out. I deserved it.

When I laid on the kitchen floor a few times a week with blood streaming from my nose or gashes on my body years after my parents were gone, I still believed Henry did what he did to help me. I was wicked and spoiled, just like my parents had told me. The only way to keep the darkness out of me was by removing it with force. I believed that. I believed that I was evil.

Maybe I was. Maybe it was the reason I took the deal when the red eyed woman had offered it to me, or maybe it was because I didn’t fully understand what was happening. I didn’t know that my deal was any less than what anyone else had gotten. I didn’t even know how she had found me that day when I had reached my breaking point.

Every night he touched me, and I tried to turn him away. Every night he had kept pushing, taking what he needed from me with little care to the injuries he had cause, and no concern for how I felt. I had told myself he did it because he loved me. I told myself it was because he needed me and couldn’t help himself. In my mind, it had been his way of showing me he still cared despite it all. Today, when I know how love truly feels, I know how wrong I was. I might even have known back then, but my mind wouldn’t let me see it. It was protecting me from what I felt had been out of my control.

The night I walked into his office and saw him with his secretary, I broke. I saw her fighting back. I saw him not caring, and I knew. None of what he had done to me had been about love. It was about him and his own sick, twisted needs being met. I should have helped her. Stopped him. I ran out, and to this day, I still blame myself for it.

What I’ll never regret though is taking that deal. Even if I had ended up giving my life five years later, when I was finally moving forward, when I was finally free and healing, I would still have done it. Not only did the deal I took keep me safe from him, it also kept every other women he might have hurt safe. He deserved what he got, and I knew that even if the hounds had dragged me off to my own damnation, he would be there too. He would be on the racks, having the torture he lashed out on others inflicted onto himself. He would burn for what he had done, even if I was going to burn with him.

When the hallucinations had started, I had been terrified, but I never regretted. I knew what was coming, but I would do it again. That’s what I told them, the two hunters, when they found me. I expected them to judge me and let the hounds drag me off. I never saw myself as someone deserving of someone else’s mercy or help. Nonetheless, that’s what I had gotten.

They listened. I saw the pain they felt for me in their eyes. Not pity or judgement, just pain and understanding. I had never met anyone like them before. I never felt safer then I did sitting in the black circle of goofer dust, crying against the older brother’s chest as he held me. I didn’t regret my actions. He didn’t judge me for them, but I was scared, terrified as the dogs barked and growled and tore at the door. I felt him stiffening as the door moved. I didn’t know why back then, but he was as scared of them as I was.

Fear hadn’t mattered to him. He never left me. He never stopped holding me or promising me I was getting through this. Dean Winchester didn’t break his promise. His faith in Sam had been justified and as quick as the noises and violent banging at the door had started, just as sudden had they stopped.

It was over, but Dean hadn’t let go. He still held me as he sat on the floor with me. That is my first memory of what love should feel like. I didn’t know him, and he didn’t know me. Still he made me feel safe and like I mattered. He and Sam took me in.

They invited me to come back to their home with them, a bunker in the middle of nowhere in Kansas. To everyone else that would have sounded insane, but not to me. Not then, and not now. I was getting by, but I was alone. The Winchesters were the first people I had trusted in forever. They were the first people that showed me kindness and love. They gave me a family, and Dean gave me so much more than that.

Every night I woke up screaming from a nightmare, he had came running to my room. He held me and listened. When I couldn’t fall back asleep, he had distracted me with stories of him and Sam’s prank wars or crazy hunts. His words had calmed me and his deep voice filled me with warmth. I knew I was safe with Dean and that he would never let anyone hurt me ever again.

The first five years that passed after Henry’s death, I was just surviving. With Dean, I was slowly coming back to life. He wasn’t just my shelter. He was my light and reason laughter and happiness entered my life for the first time. He was patient and kind, never once pushing or asking anything of me.

Slowly I started seeing myself through his eyes, and slowly I opened up and let him in. Every touch and kiss was a struggle at first, but he never pushed, always waiting and happy to take my lead.

Today, no one would believe the girl I once was if I told them. Today, I smile, and I laugh everyday. I know my daughter will never grow up to know the pain that I once knew. I know even with all the darkness in the world, the light still wins. Dean Winchester will make sure of it. He loves with all his heart, and I love him with all of mine. Our daughter will know what true love feels like, and she’ll never doubt it like I did. The love I share with Dean will surpass our lifetime. She will find a love as great as ours. That’s all I ask, because I already have all I’ll ever need.


End file.
